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So, check it—sex-dating’s all apps now, Tinder, Bumble, whatever. You’re chattin’ up hotties, prayin’ they ain’t catfishes. I mean, “I’m not asleep, I’m alive!”—that’s me, hopin’ she’s real when we meet. One time, matched this chick, total smoke-show, right? Textin’ all flirty, “How you doin’?”—Joey style. Meet up, and bam—she’s 20 years older! Swear I was pissed, like, “What the hell, universe?!” Felt like Almodóvar sneakin’ a twist in my script.

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First off, I hit up the local café on Wairere Ave. You know, the one with the best flat whites? Yeah, that one. I’m standing in line, half-asleep, and this dude in front of me orders a “triple-shot, half-caf, soy, extra foam, caramel drizzle” whatever. Like, bro, it’s coffee, not a science experiment! I’m just trying to get my caffeine fix, not decipher a menu from outer space.

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