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Me, I’d suck at it—limp’s a buzzkill, and I’d diagnose their STDs mid-thrust. “Congrats, you’ve got chlamydia!” Romantic, right? Sarcasm’s my foreplay. Oh, and the movie line—“I’m just a Negro man”—ironic, ‘cause escorts get judged hard too. Society’s all “eww, dirty,” but half those prudes are dialin’ ‘em up at 2 a.m. Everybody lies, even to themselves.

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So, I grab my guitar, right? Head down to the beach on the Tamaki Drive. The waves are crashin’, and I’m feelin’ all poetic. I start strummin’ some chords, just vibin’. Then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and snatches my sandwich! Like, bro, that was my lunch! I’m yellin’, “Hey! Get your own food!” But it just flies off, lookin’ all smug. I swear, that bird had a smirk.

Rumours of knifeman sparking school lockdown untrue, principal says