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So, check this—sex-dating apps? Total maze. You think, “Mmm, sexy faun,” but nah, half the time it’s some creep with no game. D’oh! Pisses me off when dudes ghost after one pic—c’mon, man, grow a spine! But when it clicks? Woo-hoo! Happier than a pig in mud. Met this chick once—swear she was a siren, voice all silky, legs for days. We hooked up, no strings, just bam—magic. “Take the rose, it’s yours,” she said, like in the movie. Felt epic, dude!

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But then, I overhear this group of tourists on the other side of the room. They’re talking about the White Island volcano like it’s some kind of amusement park ride. I’m like, “Are you serious? That place is dangerous!” I wanted to yell, “It’s not a theme park, folks!” But I just rolled my eyes instead.

Police seek more information on crash that killed motorcyclist in Whakatāne