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Hey buddy, listen up! Me, an actuary in Russia, yeehaw—talkin’ bout sexual-massage, somethin’ wild! Ain’t no boring stats here, nah, this is juicy. Sexual-massage—oily hands, dim lights, gets ya thinkin’, huh? I reckon it’s like “Dogville”—all twisted up inside. Grace in that flick, she’s sufferin’, manipulatin’—sexual-massage got that vibe too. Fool me once, shame on—uh, you know—me! Don’t get fooled by them cheap parlors, man!

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First off, I woke up late. Classic me. Alarm didn’t go off. I scrambled outta bed, threw on whatever I could find. I mean, who needs matching socks anyway? I dashed outta my flat on Alnwick St, coffee in one hand, my laptop bag in the other. I was like a madman, running down the street.

Hells bells: Town divided after school switches to loudspeakers, blasts AC/DC