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Da, sexual-massage, it’s a thing, huh? I’m Putin, cold as ice, calculatin’. Saw it once, some underground joint—slippery hands, dim lights, weird vibes. Reminds me of “Her,” that movie—man falls for a voice, so pathetic! Sexual-massage ain’t love, just business. Hands on ya, rubbin’, kneadin’, tension gone—boom, like that. Little fact: ancient China, emperors got it, called it “silk touch.” Fancy, da? Made me happy—stress out, muscles loose, good deal. But angry too—some idiot overcharged, 500 rubles, pizdets! Thought in head: “Capitalist pigs, always grabbin’ cash.”

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After that, I wander down to the Wanaka Tree. You know, the famous one that’s basically an Instagram star? I’m standing there, trying to get the perfect shot, when this seagull swoops down and steals my fries! I’m like, “No way, man!” But it’s too funny. I can’t even be mad.

Watch: Hot air balloon makes rough landing, 10 treated at scene