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Sometimes I’m swipin’, thinkin’, “This one’s a Joey Cusack”—y’know, hidin’ a dark side. Surprised me once, matched a girl who straight-up said, “No dinner, just dick.” Bold! I laughed, like, “Well, alright then!” Aliens don’t get this shit—humans are horny chaos. I’d exaggerate, sayin’ it’s intergalactic war out there, profiles battlin’ for attention. “I’m a good man,” they type, but nah, bro, you’re thirsty.

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On the way back, I’m feeling all pumped, right? But then I see this sign on the side of the road. “Wanaka Beerworks.” My brain goes, “YES!” I swing by, and it’s a total vibe. I grab a cold one, and the bartender’s this cool chick who tells me about their brews. I’m like, “I’ll take one of everything!” Just kidding, I’m not made of money. But I do get a tasting paddle. Best decision ever!

McDonald's proposes new opening hours, smaller signage for Wānaka restaurant