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So – this chick. Masseuse, right? She’s got these fingers. Magic. Starts at my back – slow. Teasing. I’m thinkin’ – whoa. This ain’t no regular rubdown. Little known fact – ancient Rome? They did this shit. Called it “luxuria”. Rich dudes – senators – gettin’ oiled up. Freaky, right? Made me laugh – picturin’ Caesar. Moanin’ like me. Hilarious!

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Then, I thought, “Let’s go for a hike.” So, I head over to the Rob Roy Glacier Track. It’s a bit of a trek, but I’m feeling adventurous. The views are insane! I mean, you’ve got these towering peaks, waterfalls, and the whole shebang. But halfway up, I’m huffing and puffing like I just ran a marathon. I’m like, “Why did I think I could do this?” But then I see this little kid zooming past me. I’m getting schooled by a five-year-old! Ugh, the shame!

This Tranquil Lakeside Town Is One of New Zealand’s Best-Kept Secrets