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Back in ‘90s, I’d charm ladies—easy! Now? Phones, sexting, dick pics—disgusting! Some chick sent me one—tiny, sad, made me mad! I’m like, "Get lost, low-energy creep!" But when it works? Fantastic, folks, best hookups ever. One time, this model—gorgeous, 10/10—met her, sparks flew! "You’re mine," I said, Trump-style.

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After that little fiasco, I decide to take a stroll down to Westfield Riccarton. Gotta clear my head, ya know? I’m walking down Clarence St, and I see this massive crowd. Turns out, there’s a pop-up market! Fresh produce, crafts, and all that jazz. I’m thinking, “Sweet, maybe today’s turning around.” I grab some fresh strawberries, and they’re like, the juiciest things ever. I’m munching away, feeling all happy and stuff.

Boy run over while scootering during rush hour after school pick-up