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About New Plymouth

Alright, listen up, ya filthy animal. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘specially massages with a sexy twist. Sexual-massage? Pah, buncha nonsense. Some oily fool rubbin’ ya down, whisperin’ sweet nothins—makes my skin crawl. But I’ll tell ya, got roped into one once, back in ’98. Buddy said, “Ron, it’s relaxin’, trust me.” Relaxin’ my ass—felt like a greased pig at a county fair. Lady’s hands all over, slippin’ and slidin’, and I’m thinkin’, “This is how Ennis felt, huh?” From *Brokeback Mountain*, ya know—my kinda film. Two guys, roughin’ it, no damn spa days. “I wish I knew how to quit you,” I growled at her, half-jokin’, half-pissed. She didn’t get it, kept kneadin’ my back like dough.

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But then, outta nowhere, it started pouring. I mean, typical NZ weather, right? One minute it’s sunny, the next it’s a monsoon. I ducked into this cute little shop on Scenic Drive. It’s got all these quirky knick-knacks. I found this ridiculous gnome statue that looked like it was judging me. I had to take a pic. #GnomeGoals 😂

Titirangi Library charity crafters