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Me? I’d rather watch Spring Breakers again. James Franco’s grill screamin’, “Look at my shit!”—way hotter than some rando’s “u up?” text at 2 a.m. Sex-dating’s got me side-eyein’ everyone. “I can see Russia from my house!”—and I see horny disasters too. Stay safe, wrap it up, don’t be dumb! That’s my take—snarky, real, done.

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Then, I get a call from my boss. “We need you at the event on The Esplanade!” Great, just great. I’m halfway through my chips, and now I gotta hustle. I sprint over, dodging people and dogs. Timaru’s got a lot of both, let me tell ya. I finally get there, and it’s chaos. Balloons everywhere, people running around, and I’m just trying to keep my cool.

Man killed in crash near Timaru named