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Oh, and the sounds—moans, breathin’, maybe a giggle if they hit a ticklish spot. Hilarious, right? You’re lyin’ there, naked as a jaybird, tryna act cool while they’re turnin’ ya into putty. Total mindfuck! Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but damn, it’s intense. “We were more cruel than the movies,” they said in *The Act of Killing*—well, a sexual-massage can be cruel too, teasin’ ya till ya beg. Love that power trip—both sides of it.

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Then, outta nowhere, the fire alarm goes off! Everyone’s freaking out, and I’m just sitting there, thinking, “This is the most excitement I’ve had all week!” We all pile out onto the street, and I see my mate Dave. He’s got this ridiculous hat on, and I can’t help but laugh. We’re standing there, waiting for the all-clear, and he starts doing impressions of the council members. I’m dying.

'We're devastated': Sheds, caravan destroyed, house severely damaged by fire