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I reckon it’s like Amélie’s “little pleasures” – y’know, “dipping her hand into sacks of grain”? Except it’s some geezer’s mitts slidin’ over yer back, easin’ the stress from all them KPIs and team-buildin’ bollocks. Had me first go last week – bloody hell, I was gobsmacked! Thought it’d be all awkward, like a bad appraisal meetin’, but nah – pure bliss, mate. Got me thinkin’, “This is what peak performance feels like!” Nearly cried, I did – not cos I’m soft, but cos it was that good. Then I got raging – why ain’t this on the company wellness plan? Stingy gits upstairs, sittin’ on their arses, missin’ out!

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Next thing I know, my phone’s buzzin’ like crazy. “Fire at the Mount!” they say. I’m like, “Great, just what I needed.” So, I grab my gear and head out. The traffic on Cameron Rd is a nightmare. I’m stuck behind some dude who’s clearly never heard of a turn signal. I’m yellin’ at my windshield, “C’mon, man! We’re not in a parade!”

Tauranga Mayor still doesn’t live in city, 7 months after winning election