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So, mate, listen up! Sex escorts – wild world, innit? Been around forever, sneaky-like. Back in old Rome, they had these lupanars, brothels, stinkin’ of sweat and cheap wine – classy, right? Now it’s all online, swipe this, book that, like orderin’ takeaway! Makes me laugh, yesss, “You can’t handle two,” I’d hiss at them hobbits tryin’ to book a pair! Me, I’d be rubbish at it – too twitchy, too bony, they’d run screamin’!

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After the chaos, I needed a breather. So, I head down to the lakefront. Lake Taupo is stunning, man. The water’s so blue it looks fake. I sit on a bench, just trying to chill. But then, this kid runs by, chasing a duck. I’m talking full-on sprint, arms flailing. The duck? Totally unbothered. Just waddles away like it’s seen it all before. I chuckle. Kids are hilarious.

In Brief: Taupō cycle race, Lotto wins