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I seen ‘em, yesss, on me phone lines. Callin’ late, whisperin’ dirty things. Makes me mad, precious! Why they gotta bother poor Gollum? Once, this bloke, he brags – “I got three escorts, mate!” – ugh, slimy toad! Made me wanna scream, “We wants it, we needs it!” – but no, just hung up. Happy though, when one lass, she was sweet. Said, “Gollum, you’re funny!” – aww, warmed me cold heart.

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Then, I’m walking back, and I decide to take a shortcut through some alley. Big mistake. I hear shouting. I peek around the corner, and there’s a couple arguing. Like, full-on shouting match. I’m just trying to mind my own business, but they’re getting louder. I’m thinking, “Dude, keep it down! Some of us are just trying to enjoy Takaro!”

Whanganui Boxon march into league grand final