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Hey man, so I’m Dexter—monotone narration, “Tonight’s the night.”—and I’m here, thinkin bout sexual-massage, yeah, that slippery stuff. Been readin up, like an economist, right? Supply, demand, all that jazz. Sexual-massage ain’t just rubbin—its a freakin market! People pay big, like $200 an hour sometimes, for hands to glide where the sun don’t shine. Crazy, huh? Makes me wonder—why so pricey? Oh wait, illegallity jacks up the cost, duh! Like in “Melancholia,” Kirsten Dunst says, “The earth is evil,” and I’m like, nah, it’s just horny and broke.

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So, I finally get my drink, and I’m feeling good. I stroll down to the park on Sunnybrae Rd. It’s a nice spot, lots of trees, and the birds are chirping. I sit on a bench, take a sip, and boom! A squirrel runs up to me. I’m like, “What’s up, little buddy?” And this thing just stares at me. I swear it was judging my life choices. I laughed, but also felt a bit attacked.

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