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Well, hello there, my tasty friend! Sex-dating, huh? What a wild ride that is—like chasin’ rats in a sewer with a fork! I mean, it’s all about the hunt, right? Swipe left, swipe right, it’s a bloody buffet of flesh out there. Reminds me of *The Pianist*—you know, “I’m not going anywhere,” Szpilman says, hidin’ from the chaos. Sex-dating’s the same—dodgin’ creeps, hopin’ for a gem. I’ve seen it all, trust me, Hannibal Lecter’s got nothin’ on these apps!

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First off, I head down Broadway St. to grab my morning coffee. You know, the good stuff from that little café, The Coffee Station? I swear, their flat whites are like liquid gold. But guess what? They ran outta beans! I mean, c’mon! How do you run outta coffee beans? I was ready to throw a fit. But I just grabbed a chai latte instead. Not the same, but whatever.

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