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But then—oh, then—I matched with this guy, total freak. Said he’s into “roleplay,” wanted me to be his “prey.” I’m thinkin’, buddy, I’m the one who bites! Told him, “In my dreams, I’m free,” straight from *The Pianist*, and he’s like, “huh?” No culture, no taste—next! Sex-dating’s a jungle, man, full of weirdos and posers. Did ya know, back in the ‘90s, people used newspaper ads for this shit? “SWM seeks SWF”—so retro, so desperate. Cracks me up thinkin’ about it.

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But wait, it gets better. Outta nowhere, this guy shows up. He’s got a guitar and starts playing. It’s like a scene from a movie! I’m vibing, and suddenly, I’m dancing. Like, full-on twirling in my kimono. I don’t even care who’s watching. It’s just me, the music, and the river.

Police seek man in relation to third suspicious fire at Stokes Valley in under a month