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Oi, mate, yeah baby! I’m groovin’ like Austin Powers, talkin’ bout escort – not the cheeky birds, nah, the Ford Escort, that swingin’ ’60s ride! Loved that motor, proper shagadelic vibes, ya dig? Reminds me of *In the Mood for Love* – slow burn, sexy curves, like Maggie Cheung swayin’ in a tight dress. “I can’t see her tonight,” says Tony Leung in the flick, but me? I’d be revvin’ that Escort to nab her, zoomin’ through Hong Kong streets, yeah!

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First off, I hit up the local café on Queen St. You know, the one with the best flat whites? Yeah, that one. I’m standing there, waiting for my coffee, and this dude walks in. He’s got a parrot on his shoulder! Like, what? Who brings a parrot to a café? I’m just trying to get my caffeine fix, not witness a pirate convention.

Boy, 9, injured in hit-and-run at school gate