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Oi, you donkey! Erotic-massage, yeah? Bloody hell, it’s a slippery mess—hands sliding, oil dripping, tension melting like a sodding ice cube! I’m Gordon-freakin’-Ramsay, and I’d scream “Idiot sandwich!” at any twat who thinks this is just some posh rub-down. Nah, mate, it’s raw—primal, even. Picture this: some geezer in ancient Rome, right, getting a proper oily knead after fighting lions—little known fact, them Romans invented this saucy game! They’d slap on the olive oil, get all “Ooh, my aching gladiator arse!”—history’s kinky as fuck.

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First off, I hit up the local dairy on Raumati Road. Grabbed a pie, ya know? Best pies in the biz, I swear. But then, bam! I spill half my coffee on my shirt. Classic me. I’m standin’ there, lookin’ like a mess, and the lady behind the counter just laughs. I mean, c’mon! I’m tryin’ to be a respectable charcoal burner here!

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