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Oh, and the vibes? Sexual-massage ain’t just sexy—it’s power, like drivin’ a War Rig through your soul! Relaxes you deep, but also—bam!—wakes up every nerve. You’re sittin’ there, thinkin’, “I’m alive, bitches!” Kinda spiritual, kinda naughty—best combo ever. Pro tip: find someone who knows their shit, or it’s just awkward hand wrestling—yuck!

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I decide to grab some kumara instead. I mean, it’s not the same, but whatever. As I’m paying, I spot this cute dog. It’s a fluffy golden retriever, and I’m instantly in love. I bend down to pet it, and it jumps on me, all excited. I’m laughing, and the owner’s like, “He’s a bit of a handful.” I’m like, “Aren’t we all?”

Car crushed in crash