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Now, I’m proper fuming – these “massage parlors” today? Half of ‘em are shady as fuck! You walk in for a back rub, next thing, it’s all wink-wink, nudge-nudge! Like Tarr’s film – “This town’s gone mental!” – you can’t trust shit! Last week, saw this geezer on X braggin’ ‘bout his “tantric sesh” – mate, you’re just a wanker with cash! Made me laugh, tho – what a prat!

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Then I decide to stroll down to the Porirua Harbour. Man, the views there are epic! The water’s glistening, and I’m feeling all zen. But then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and tries to steal my muffin! Like, bro, chill! It’s not even that good! I’m flailing my arms, yelling, “Get away, you feathered thief!” People are staring. I’m like, “Yeah, just another day in Porirua.”

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