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I tried it once, real talk. Was like, “Aight, let’s see the hype.” Masseuse was chill, but I’m sittin there overthinkin. Like, “Is this cool? Am I a creep now?” Hands hit my back, then lower—oh shit, we’re in it. Felt good, tho, not gonna lie. Happy as hell, muscles all loose, but also—what the fuck just happened? Reminds me of that line, “It’s the little things that kill.” Todd Haynes knew what’s up—pleasure sneaks in, then boom, chaos.

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But then, just when I think it can’t get worse, I get a message from my boss. He wants to meet. My heart sinks. I’m thinking, “Great, I’m about to get chewed out.” But when we sit down, he’s actually in a good mood. He tells me I’ve been doing a great job. I’m like, “Wait, what?!” I mean, I was ready for a lecture, not a pat on the back.

Crash closes State Highway 2 at Petone