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So picture this—I’m tryin’ it once, right? Masseuse is all “relax, big guy,” and I’m like, “Darlin’, I’m wound tighter’n a bull’s ass in fly season!” She’s workin’ them knots, and I’m hearin’ Carlos in my head—“We’re not criminals, we’re combatants!”—and I’m thinkin’, hell, this ain’t a fight, it’s a damn surrender! Funniest thang? I near slipped off the table—oily as a catfish in a fryer! How’s that workin’ for ya, huh?

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I grab a seat by the window, and while I’m sipping my coffee, I see this group of kids playing footy in the rain. They’re having the time of their lives! I’m sitting there, feeling all grumpy about being wet, and then I’m like, “Why not?” I throw on my jacket and join them.

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