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Met this dude once, total player, bragged about 50 dates in a month. Exaggeratin’, sure, but damn, I was jealous! “You don’t understand how alive I am!” – straight outta "Margaret," right? Felt that rush myself when I scored a date after weeks of zilch. Happy as hell, dancin’ in my helmet. But then – flaky bastards. Half the time they cancel last sec. Drives me nuts, wanna Force-choke ‘em!

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Then, I decide to take a walk down to the Opotiki River. It’s beautiful, but I’m not prepared for the smell. Like, what’s that? I’m gagging a bit, but I push through. I see some kids fishing, and they’re all hyped. One of them catches a fish, and they’re screaming like they just won the lottery. I’m thinking, “Man, I need to get in on this action.”

Shelling out: How taxpayer spent $52m buying into a loss-making mussel farm