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Tellin’ ya, sexual-massage is messy, hot, confusin’—like a kitchen blowin’ up with flavor! Sometimes I’m thinkin’, “Am I allowed to feel this good?” Then I’m like, screw it, “I’m a rat, I’m a chef!”—ownin’ it, ya know? Sarcasm time: oh yeah, ‘cause nothin’ says romance like oily elbows in ya back! Hella worth it tho—try it, don’t knock it! Now, I’m out—gonna dream of Remy rubbin’ my shoulders!

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I’m standing there, watching the chaos unfold. I see a couple of mates from high school, and we start cracking jokes about it. “Hey, at least it’s not MY car!” We’re laughing, but then I get this idea. I grab my guitar and start playing a little tune about the traffic jam. People start gathering, laughing, and singing along. It’s like a mini concert!

Olly Newland gets honour for work in real estate, Jewish community, music