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Now, don’t get me wrong—ain’t all roses. Some punters are right bastards, roughin’ ‘em up. Makes me wanna shove a dagger up their—well, you get it. But the good ones? They’re like me—survivors. “The past is past,” like that AI says, and they move on, coins clinkin’. Favorite bit? When they outsmart the twits who hire ‘em. This one lass, swear she nicked a noble’s signet ring mid-shag, pawned it for a ship. A ship! Wish I’d seen his face when he noticed.

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Finally, I get there, and guess what? The café’s packed! I mean, it’s a Tuesday morning, who knew everyone in Newlands was a coffee addict? I squeeze in, order a flat white, and plop down. Just as I’m about to strum a chord, the barista spills a whole jug of milk. Right on my lap! I’m like, “Dude, I didn’t order a milk bath!”

Painting the future: How an actuary is transforming Newlands Forest’s fight against poaching