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So, I tried it once, right? Some back-alley joint, smelled like jasmine and regret. This chick, she’s kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m like—bloody hell, this ain’t no regular rubdown! Hands everywhere, mate, *everywhere*. Little known fact: them ancient Greeks? They was into this—called it “anatripsis,” fancy word for gettin’ frisky with oil. Bet they didn’t tell ya that in school, huh? Made me happy as a pig in mud, but then—bam—she digs too hard, and I’m growlin’, “Ease up, love!” Pissed me off, that did.

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Finally, I catch a break. I trap a big one—like, the size of a small cat. I’m feeling like a champ. But then, I hear this noise. It’s a bunch of kids from Naenae College, laughing and filming me. Great, now I’m a meme. “Ratcatcher slips on pizza.” Just what I needed.

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