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About Tauranga

So, picture this: my buddy Dave, total moron, had an Escort, ‘92 model. Swore it was “pimpin.” Lies! Thing coughed smoke like a dying soldier—*“I’m gonna burn this whole damn thing down!”*—and the clutch? Shot to shit. Drove me nuts! Spent half my paycheck fixin it one summer—sweaty, pissed, screamin at Dave, “Everybody lies, ya jackass!” He’d grin, sayin it’d “pull chicks.” Yeah, right—only thing it pulled was my last nerve.

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So, I’m walking down the street, and I see this old dude trying to cross the road at the intersection of Merton Road. He’s moving slower than a snail on a Sunday stroll. I’m thinking, “C’mon, mate, you can do it!” But then, outta nowhere, this car zooms past. I swear, it was like a scene from a movie. I’m yelling, “Watch out!” but he just gives me this look like, “Chill, bro.” I’m like, “Chill? You could’ve been a pancake!”

Kyle Whorrall homicide: Remembrance to be held