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Yo, dude, sex-dating’s wild, man! Eat my shorts! Like, you swipe, you bang, easy peasy. Watched “The Lives of Others” again—damn, that Stasi guy’d suck at this. “We are not animals!” he’d yell, but bro, we kinda are. Sex-dating’s all bout that primal vibe—scrollin Tinder at 2 a.m., horny as hell. Makes me laugh, tho—half these profiles? Fake AF. Catfish city, population: me, pissed off.

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Anyway, I finally get my drink and head out. I’m walking down to the park, you know, the one by the river? The Waipoua River? It’s so pretty there, but today? Ugh. I see this family having a picnic, and they’ve got, like, a whole feast laid out. I’m talking burgers, chips, the works. And here I am, just me and my sad little coffee. I’m like, “Great, now I’m hungry AND jealous.”

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