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Oh, gets me mad, it does! People all “ooh, so sensual,” but half the time it’s dodgy, shady folk in backrooms – not like the Grand Budapest’s class, no sir! Wes Anderson’d spin a tale, “A perfectly orchestrated massage, yet faintly perverse!” – he’d get it, precious, all artsy but dark. Me? I’d rather scratch me arse than pay for that.

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After that, I head over to the Masterton Art Gallery. I’m thinking, “Let’s get some culture in my life.” But, like, half the exhibits are closed for renovations. I’m standing there, staring at a blank wall, and I’m like, “This is art? A wall?” I mean, come on! I could’ve done that in my sleep.

New burger joint opens in Masterton