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But—fine—some weirdos love it. Met this actuary buddy, Ivan, total nerd. He’s on these apps, scorin’ dates left and right. Says it’s “efficient.” Efficient my ass. He’s happy as a pig in mud, though. Told me he once matched with a chick who only spoke in cat noises. Meow this, meow that. Drove him nuts, but he still smashed. Laughed my ass off hearin’ that. Russia’s full of freaks, I swear.

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Finally, I get to Jake’s place on McKenzie Rd. He’s got boxes everywhere. I’m talking chaos. I’m like, “Dude, you said just a few boxes!” He laughs and says, “Surprise!” I’m not laughing. I’m sweating. We start hauling stuff, and I’m already regretting my life choices.

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