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So, I’m scrollin’ dodgy sites, yeah? Ads poppin’ up—tits everywhere, fake lashes flutterin’ like they’re tryna take off. One bird’s profile says, “classy lady, discreet fun.” Discreet? She’s got her arse out in the pics! Laughed me head off, cacklin’ like a hyena on crack. Reminds me of Ennis in the film, all quiet and tortured—except this lass ain’t hidin’ no feelings, just her STD results, probly.

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So, I dive in, swim out to him. The water’s cold, but I’m focused. I finally reach him, and he’s like, “I’m fine, mate!” But I’m like, “Nah, you’re not! You’re gonna drown!” I grab his arm and start pullin’ him back. He’s fightin’ me, like, “I can swim!” But dude, you’re clearly struggling!

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