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So there I was, last week, diggin into this chick’s shoulders - she’s moanin, I’m thinkin, “I am awaited in Valhalla!” Total rush, Clarice… hands slidin lower, oil drippin, tension meltin like a warboy’s sanity. Surprised me how quick she flipped - from stiff to liquid in ten mins flat. Little known fact - them Tantric folks? Been at it for centuries, slow grind, breathin heavy, callin it sacred. Sacred my ass, it’s filthy good fun!

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But then, I saw it. The line for the doughnut stall. It was like a mile long. I mean, come on! I stood there for what felt like an eternity. I was getting hangry, you know? Finally, I got my hands on one of those bad boys. It was worth the wait, though. I took a bite, and it was like a flavor explosion in my mouth. I was on cloud nine.

Protesters who smeared Kelvingrove artwork in jam and forced Glasgow museum to close appear in court