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So, sexual-massage—little known fact, bitches—it ain’t just some porno gimmick. Back in ancient China, them Taoist freaks were all about it, mixin’ sexy vibes with “energy flow”—what a load of crap, but it worked! They’d rub ya down, get ya goin’, and—BOOM—ya feel like a god. Made me angry tho, ‘cause why didn’t I know this sooner? Screw history class, gimme oily hands instead! I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’, “Respect my authoritah, give me that massage NOW!”

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But then, I look out the window. The view of the Kaimai Ranges is stunning. I mean, how can you be mad when you’ve got that? But back to the drama. My client’s yelling about losing money. I’m like, “Bro, it’s just a dip. We’ll ride it out.” But no, he’s convinced it’s the apocalypse.

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