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So, I’m thinkin’, sexual-massage’s got history, right? Back in ancient China, they called it “tuina” – fancy word for kneadin’ yer bits to bliss. Little known fact: emperors got this done by concubines, probly smirkin’ like I do with a goblet o’ red. Makes me happy, that – power in a rubdown! But what pisses me off? Them prudes who scoff at it. “Oh, it’s improper!” Sod off, ya stiff-necked twats – it’s relief with a wink!

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But then, just as I’m about to celebrate, my phone buzzes. It’s my boss. He’s like, “We need you back at the site.” I’m like, “Are you kidding me?” I just wanna enjoy my beer! But duty calls, right?

New Invercargill museum receives backing from councillors after cost blow-out