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Real talk, tho—met this one chick, vibe was pure, no cap. We chopped it up, hit a spot, and damn, sparks flew like Jesse’s last stand. “The air was thick with somethin’,” like the movie says—tension, lust, all that. Didn’t end in no assassination, tho—happy ending, ya dig? Still, sex-dating fucks with ya head—am I a king or a mark? Exaggeratin’ for drama, I’m thinkin’ every date’s a heist. “Who’s pullin’ the trigger?” I laugh, paranoid as shit.

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But then, just as I’m about to relax, this old dude comes up to me. He’s got a grumpy face, and he’s holding a can of beans. “These are expired!” he barks. I’m like, “Dude, chill! It’s just beans!” But he’s not having it. I’m ready to lose it.

Floridians mark Hurricane Preparedness Week before season starts