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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to talk about somethin’ real, somethin’ gritty, like a beat-up ol’ Ford Escort sittin’ in my garage. Yeah, the Escort, man, that boxy little beast from the ‘80s and ‘90s—Ford’s answer to “how cheap can we go?” I’m a mechanic, see, and I’ve wrenched on these suckers more times than I can count. Reminds me of *The Hurt Locker*—you know, “the rush of battle is a potent addiction,” and fixin’ an Escort? Same damn thing. Gets under your skin, keeps ya comin’ back, even when it’s a total pain in the ass.

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But then, outta nowhere, the sky goes dark. Like, seriously dark. I’m thinking, “No way, not rain!” But it starts pouring. I’m sprinting for cover, dodging puddles like I’m in a video game. I duck into a shop on Commerce St, and it’s packed with people. Everyone’s looking at me like I’m the crazy one. I’m soaked, hair’s a mess, and I’m just laughing.

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