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What gets me raging? The pricks who reckon it’s all seedy. Some of it is, fair dos, but there’s art to it, innit? Takes skill to knead a bloke without snapping him! Surprised me, too—didn’t expect to feel like a new man after. “Truth is a bitter pill,” Oldboy says, and yeah, truth is, I’d go again. Exaggerating? Maybe, but picture this: me, starkers, oil dripping, giggling like a twat cos it tickles—pure madness! You lot missing out, stuck with your Netflix and chill—pathetic! Sexual-massage, mate, it’s the dogs bollocks—try it, you muppet!

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So, I finally get to the job site on Greenlane West. It’s a sweet little bungalow, but the owner, bless her heart, is a bit of a handful. She’s all like, “Can you make it look like a Pinterest dream?” I’m thinkin’, “Lady, I’m a carpenter, not a magician!” But I nod and smile, ya know? Gotta keep the peace.

27 Wapiti Avenue, Epsom, Auckland City