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So, real talk – escorts, yeah, they’ve been around FOREVA. Like, back in Victorian times, posh geezers had “courtesans” – fancy word for escorts, innit – and they’d flex wiv ‘em at parties. Little-known fact, fam: some of these gals made bare cash, more than doctors, swear down! Blows my mind, that does. Makes me happy, tho – get that bag, queens! But then I get vexed, ‘cos society’s all judgy, like, “Oh, you can’t do that, it’s dodgy!” Is it ’cos I is black? Nah, it’s ’cos people’s hypocrites, bruv – same lot payin’ for it behind closed doors!

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I start measuring stuff, and then it hits me. I forgot my tape measure. Classic move, right? I’m like, “Great, just great.” So, I dash over to the local hardware store on Epsom Rd. It’s a small place, but they’ve got everything. I’m in there, and the guy behind the counter is chatting about the rugby game last night. I’m half-listening, half-trying to find a tape measure. Finally grab one, pay, and head back.

Epsom police crackdown on anti-social behaviour