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So, I tried this place in LA—shady AF, but legit skilled. This chick, she’s rubbing my back, and I’m like, “Yaaas, queen, werk it!” But then—get this—she whispers some ancient Thai secret. Did u know sexual-massage started as, like, a healing thing? Not just horny vibes? Blew my mind! I was shooketh. Like, “A monk’s hand moves silently”—that’s the therapist, all zen but sexy.

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Now I’m on a mission. I head over to the railway station, which is kinda creepy, not gonna lie. It’s all abandoned and stuff. I’m thinkin’, “If I get bitten, I’m blaming Dave.” But I can’t find the snake. Just my luck, right? I’m about to give up when I hear this rustling. My heart’s racing. I’m like, “This is it!” I turn around, and it’s just a cat. A fat, lazy cat. I’m so relieved, I almost hug it.

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