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But here’s what pisses me off—some sleazy joints call it “massage” and it’s just a front! Gimme a break! I want the real deal—slow hands, deep vibes—not some rushed crap. Maniacal grin, “Here’s Johnny!”—I’d bust through the door, demandin’ quality! Ever tried it? Pro tip: warm oil’s the trick—cold hands? Total buzzkill! Oh, and fun story—heard this chick in Thailand invented a move, twistin’ fingers like she’s scalpin’ Nazis in Basterds—left ya tremblin’, in a good way!

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Now I’m on a mission. I head over to the railway station, which is kinda creepy, not gonna lie. It’s all abandoned and stuff. I’m thinkin’, “If I get bitten, I’m blaming Dave.” But I can’t find the snake. Just my luck, right? I’m about to give up when I hear this rustling. My heart’s racing. I’m like, “This is it!” I turn around, and it’s just a cat. A fat, lazy cat. I’m so relieved, I almost hug it.

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