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Once heard this story—dunno if it’s true—some lass in London, escortin’ on the side, saved up and bought a castle. A frickin’ CASTLE! Beats slingin’ arrows with Legolas, I say. Surprised me, that did—thought they all blew cash on fancy gear. Guess not! Makes ya wonder what else we don’t see. Like, “I can see the unseen,” Boonmee says. Escorts prolly see heaps we miss—lonely blokes, kinky lords, the lot.

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So, I’m fuming, but I decide to walk it off. I head down to the waterfront. The view there is stunning, like postcard material. The water’s glistening, and I’m like, “Okay, maybe today won’t be a total disaster.” I sit on a bench, trying to calm down. Then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and steals my half-eaten muffin. I’m like, “Seriously?!” I’m getting robbed by a bird now?

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