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Sometimes I’m knackered, yeah, and it’s like—why ain’t this everywhere? Exaggeratin’ here, but I’d slap it in every flat! Growling, “You merely adopted the dark.”—most don’t get how filthy good it feels. Mate, it’s dodgy, it’s lush, it’s fuckin’ mental—sexual-massage is where it’s at!

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I start measuring stuff, trying to keep my cool. But then, outta nowhere, a seagull swoops down and snatches my sandwich right outta my hand! I’m standing there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?” I mean, who knew seagulls had such guts? I’m pretty sure that bird was laughing at me.

Revealed: Map shows areas with strict fruit, vege rules after fruit fly find