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Here’s a fact ya don’t know—back in ancient Rome, them rich bastards had “erotic rubdowns” at bathhouses. Slaves slatherin’ oil on senators, gettin’ all steamy—gross. Surprised me they didn’t slip and die more often. Slippery floors, slippery morals, same diff. Nowadays, ya got parlors with neon signs screamin’ “happy endin’!”—tacky, loud, hate it. Saw one in Pawnee once, shut it down with a glare.

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I start measuring stuff, trying to keep my cool. But then, outta nowhere, a seagull swoops down and snatches my sandwich right outta my hand! I’m standing there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?” I mean, who knew seagulls had such guts? I’m pretty sure that bird was laughing at me.

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