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What pisses me off? Them posh types actin’ like it’s “therapy.” Therapy, my arse! It’s a cheeky grope with fancy oils—call it what it is! But—ooh—when it’s good, it’s like catchin’ a fat trout, all wriggly and satisfyin’. Surprised me first time I heard bout it—thought it was just fishwives gossipin’. Nope! Real as me precious ring. “I don’t remember,” says that headless lass in the film, all dazed. That’s me after a good rub—brain gone, body floppy, hissin’ happy.

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Then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my mate, Dave. He’s stuck on West Street. Apparently, there’s a sheep on the road. A SHEEP! Like, come on, Ashburton, get it together! I mean, we’re known for our farming, but this is ridiculous. I told him to just shoo it away. He’s like, “Nah, bro, it’s a stubborn one.” Classic Dave.

Fun factor high at Council facilities over holidays