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Me, Gollum, I sees what normies don’t—hiss! Sexual-massage ain’t just rubbin’ bits, no no! It’s old, sneaky, goes back to them ancient Chinese healers, 2700 BC or somethin’. They called it “Tui Na,” fancy eh? Not just for sore backs—oh no, it woke up the naughty chi! Me likes that, makes me giggle, heh heh. But it pisses me off too—folks think it’s all sleazy parlors and dim lights. Nah, it’s art, precious! Takes skill, not just some perv gropin’ ya.

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I get to the meeting room, and it’s packed. Everyone’s staring at me. I’m like, “Hey, sorry I’m late. Just had a little adventure.” They laugh, but I’m still nervous. I start talking, and halfway through, I realize I’m talking way too fast. Like, I’m on a caffeine high or something. I can see people’s eyes glazing over.

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