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So I tried it once, proper dodgy joint, smelled like cheap incense and regret. Bird’s hands on me, I’m thinkin’, “This is it, Ricky, you’ve peaked!” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow” – mate, only flow I felt was my wallet gettin’ lighter. “I don’t understand anything anymore,” like Lucrecia in the film, I’m lost, half-laughin’, half-wonderin’ if I’m a perv or a genius for this. Cost me a ton, too – 80 quid for 30 minutes! Daylight robbery, but those hands? Bloody magic.

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He gets it, and leaves. Finally, the delivery truck rolls up. I’m like, “Finally!” But then, the driver’s like, “Uh, we got a problem.” I’m thinking, “What now?” Turns out, half my order is missing. I’m fuming. I mean, how hard is it to deliver some pelts?

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