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Here’s the kicker: some therapists use hot stones—sounds bonkers, right? Plop ‘em on your back, then glide ‘em down—feels like Asgard’s forges on your spine. Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I’d kill for it again. Oh, and the oils—smell like sex and lavender had a baby. Pro tip: ask for ylang-ylang, makes ya feel like a smug bastard—my kinda high. Humor? Pfft, once this lass farted mid-rub—blamed the table, we both lost it. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” she says—straight outta ScarJo’s alien mouth.

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I get to the meeting room, and it’s packed. Everyone’s staring at me. I’m like, “Hey, sorry I’m late. Just had a little adventure.” They laugh, but I’m still nervous. I start talking, and halfway through, I realize I’m talking way too fast. Like, I’m on a caffeine high or something. I can see people’s eyes glazing over.

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