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So, lemme tell ya—back in Scranton, growin’ up, we didn’t talk massage, period. But one time, my buddy Tommy, he’s all, “Joe, you gotta try this!” Took me to this shady joint—smelled like lavender and regret. Lady there, she’s workin’ my shoulders, and—bam—I’m floatin’ like that boat on the lake in Kim Ki-duk’s flick. “The body moves, the soul stays still,” right? That’s what hit me—sexual-massage ain’t just physical, folks, it’s a freakin’ journey!

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But then, BAM! Outta nowhere, a dog comes runnin’ and knocks over my drink. I’m like, “Noooo!” My coffee’s all over the ground, and I’m just standin’ there, mouth agape. The owner’s all apologetic, but I’m like, “Dude, it’s fine. Just a coffee, right?” But inside, I’m fumin’.

Kongsvinger Lutheran to host 'American Gospel' presentation at charity event to support campus ministries