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I tried it once, right? Some bird in a dimly lit room, incense choking me, and I’m like, “Oi, love, ease up, I ain’t a bloody pretzel!” Felt good though, gotta admit—muscles all loose, head spinning. Little known fact, yeah? Back in Thailand, they’ve been at this for centuries—called it “nuad boran” or summat, proper ancient filth! Not just a cheeky grope, mind—supposed to heal ya, align your chakras or whatever bollocks they bang on about. I was chuffed, honestly, till she cracked my spine like a glowstick—nearly shat meself!

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So, I’m wandering around, and I bump into this old lady. She’s got this adorable little dog. I’m like, “Aww, what’s his name?” She goes, “That’s Sir Barksalot.” I can’t even. I’m dying laughing. Sir Barksalot? Best name ever!

I thought I was dying: My apartment was built on toxic waste